


Condom Distributor Tooru

by CanoeingNinjin, plantjimin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, after ages, also i salute to the condom distributors in the olympics, bokuro + iwa-chan are in the mens volleyball team in the olympics, condom distributors???, how they dont die of embarrassment is beyond me, like of all things, ok im rambling bye, why is it that condom distributors is the one thing that made me write a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 03:37:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7785286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanoeingNinjin/pseuds/CanoeingNinjin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantjimin/pseuds/plantjimin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Olympic-team-medic-turned-condom-distributor Tooru gets secondhand flirted with by a Cat Dude and an Owl Guy on behalf of an Angry Porcupine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Condom Distributor Tooru

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kitsune_no_ko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsune_no_ko/gifts).



> I realised I used quite a lot of italics oops

Oikawa Tooru hates Matsukawa Issei. He hates the stares he gets from the athletes walking past and the wide berth they give him. But most of all, he hates the accursed transparent bag he lugs around.

Big, transparent with a green sling, the bag _itself_ isn't really that bad, just a tad on the ugly side. Rather, it's the contents of the bag that's the root of his anguish. Small green packets with white borders and unmistakable circular protrusions fill it to the brim, making soft rustling sounds with each step he takes.

"Oikawa, cover for me, something cropped up and I need to rush off, thanks!" Matsukawa had shouted before dumping the bag on him.

Surprised and confused, Tooru had simply stared blankly at the fading back of his friend instead of doing the logical thing - refuse and shove the bag back. Oh, how he regretted his actions. He was now no longer Oikawa Tooru, Olympic team medic, but Oikawa Tooru the Condom Distributor. A drastic occupation change, to say the least.

Condom enthusiast he is not, but gay as hell he is. The Olympics, the only time he gets to be surrounded by wonderfully muscular athletes, was meant to be a time of appreciation and the occasional "innocent touch" when treating the injured, not carrying around an extremely conspicuous bag of condoms and getting judged.

He patrols the Olympic Village, skirting the edges of rooms and trying his best to be unnoticeable. Futile effort, of course. He flushes, the people around him stare and blush. It's embarrassing for all of them, really.

20 humiliating minutes later and Tooru's almost done with his first lap round the village. He enters the air-conditioned lounge, bag of condoms obvious as ever. Still, the cool air offers him some respite from the harsh outdoor sun he'd spent an eternity suffering under. Brightly lit and colourfully decorated with a snack bar tucked neatly in the corner and completed with cushions, sofas and beanbags littering the area, the massive lounge is filled with competitors clumped together in their own groups chatting away. Every now and then, someone's laughter would ring out, but no one would pay it much mind. The atmosphere is almost relaxing, if it weren't for the underlying, palpable tension. It maintains the distance between different clusters and is responsible for the cautious, borderline hostile brief glances that shoot across the area. With such a gathering of so many rivals, this is to be expected.

"Hey you, Condom guy! Come here for a bit!"

The loud voice draws the attention of almost everyone in the room and seemingly all eyes are on Tooru as he shuffles towards the source. His ears burn and he keeps his eyes to the ground, attempting to ignore the people. He senses the discomfort that radiates from those near him as they not-so-subtly move out of his way, determined to put some distance between him and them. He doesn't blame them, he would avoid him too.

Tooru walks to the far end of the lounge where the call originated from and lifts his head, only to meet some of the weirdest people he's ever seen. Three men, all wearing red and black tracksuits, lie sprawled on a large sofa. The small Japanese flag sewn on the side confirms their nationality and the volleyball one of them carries says quite a lot. On the edge of the sofa sits a tall, lean but muscular man with absurdly wild black hair. His right fringe partially covers his eye while the remainder of his hair is pulled back, up and away. His half-lidded golden-brown eyes and smirk paired with the limp outstretched arm he uses to summon Tooru, he looks like a sly cat lazily batting at a toy in front of it. With his free hand, he keeps the volleyball firmly on his lap, preventing it from bouncing off. Tooru's not sure if he imagined it, but he thinks he hears someone say something along the lines of "Ohoho Hajime, he's just your type."

"Mr Condom Distributor-"

"Oikawa," Tooru quickly interrupts, "Oikawa Tooru."

"Well then, Oikawa-san," Cat Dude leans forward, smirk growing wider, "my dear friend Hajime misses his teddy bear."

The shortest of the three, a buff man with spiky hair whirls around and turns to Cat Dude, scowl immediately plastered on his face.

"Kuroo what the hell do you-"

Angry Porcupine is promptly shut up by the third companion, another buff guy with grey-streaked hair that seems to be modelled after a horned owl. Owl Guy tugs Angry Porcupine to his side with a strong yank, pulling the other almost onto his lap and uses his other hand to clamp down on his mouth. Angry Porcupine wriggles furiously in his grip but Owl Guy is unrelenting and simply holds firm as his friend (Tooru _thinks_ they're friends anyway) desperately tries to escape.

"Will you sleep with him?" Cat Dude (Kuroo, Angry Porcupine had called him) continued, unmindful of the scene beside him.

Tooru stares. And stares. And stares. Recently, when confronted with shocking situations all he's able to do is stand and stare. Apparently undaunted, Kuroo presses on.

"This fellow here-" he claps the still struggling Angry Porcupine's shoulder- "is Iwaizumi Hajime. Remember that name, you'll be screaming it later."

"I'm sorry, _what_?" Tooru asks, baffled.

Kuroo sits back into the couch and rests his cheek against a hand, posture lax and casual.

"Since we've been told to reduce waste these days, what you say you and Hajime use those condoms in your bag before they expire?"

"Oh oh," Owl Guy pipes up, still clutching a Iwaizumi as he bounces in his seat, "I got some!"

"Bro, go - wait, no, _bro_ for it."

" _Bro_. Anyway, Oikawa. What time do you get off?"

"Around 8?"

"Can I watch?"

"Damn bro, _nice_." Kuroo looks over at Owl Guy, impressed.

Iwaizumi makes a choked sound at the back of his throat and eyes Owl Guy in horror.

"Hajime thinks he's in heaven because you look like an angel. Can he take your shirt off to check for wing- shit!" Owl Guy squawks as he's suddenly shoved to the side, Iwaizumi flailing violently while scrambling to break free.

Kuroo immediately goes to help his "bro in arms" restrain Iwaizumi, who thrashes around, biceps straining as he rips his arm free from the duo holding him down. It's a mess of writhing arms and the occasional leg here and there as the three of them battle it out - whatever "it" is. Tooru doesn't really mind though. He gets a front row seat of gloriously sculpted bodies and delicious muscles slide smoothly under gorgeously tan skin. Nope, he doesn't mind at all.

He watches the three men squirm and tumble, clambering over one another, light sheen of sweat starting to form. The scales of power hang in a precarious equilibrium, a single disruption capable of tipping them. A close match is fun to watch, but a deadlock isn’t. So of course, some intervention is needed.

A slow grin creeps up Tooru’s face as he sneakily reaches into the bag before him, grabbing a bunch of condoms in his hand. He waits. And waits. And throws.

The packets hit all three of them with the characteristic light crackle of plastic and slide off their rock solid bodies. Startled, Iwaizumi loses his grip on the duo and gets pinned down once more. Tooru looks down at the centre of the heaving pile and smirks, “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?”

Chaos. Complete, utter chaos. Kuroo and Owl Guy _riot_. Triumphant hollers sound as they clutch Iwaizumi by the shoulders, furiously shaking him back and forth. Kuroo’s expression is a mix of joy and excitement, happy laughter rocking his body. Owl Guy, on the other hand, is a lot more energetic about it. He’s the one responsible for most of the frenzied shaking. He constantly whips his head back and forth, looking at Iwaizumi, then Tooru and immediately back at Iwaizumi again. He rapidly goes through the cycle again and again, all while letting out obnoxiously loud… Hoots? Yet, despite these strange, obviously insane people, Tooru only has eyes for Iwaizumi.

Amazingly built Iwaizumi and his tanned, muscular, body. Dark, spiked up hair, leading down to a razor-sharp jawline (like really _damn_ it could probably cut diamonds). Intense green eyes stare back at him, almost burning a hole through his very being. Just above the (heavenly) jawline lies soft, slightly chapped pink lips. His mouth parts, revealing a hint of polished white teeth behind. A small puff of breath leaves him as Tooru and Iwaizumi continue gazing at one another.

It's not like in the movies where time slows down and all they're conscious of is each other. Sure, that's romantic and all (also potentially dangerous) but is just as ridiculous. Instead, they're fully aware of Kuroo and Owl Guy's hollers, aware of the entire room gawking at them, judging The Man With Condoms™ and the Stupidly Loud Bunch (™ too). _Captivated_. That's the word. Both spellbound by each other, neither able to look away.

Iwaizumi's tongue flicks out and dabs his lips nervously. His eyes shift to glance at a spot beyond Tooru and he flushes a deep red. In a low, somewhat embarrassed tone, he says, "Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you."

 _Woah_. Tooru's even less prepared for his next words.

"Do you play volleyball? Because you'd look good on your knees. Come by room 0610, I'll teach you how to _play_."

**Author's Note:**

> I googled so many pickup lines. There's too many in my head for an undesirable hermit like me.
> 
> Sidenote: the original plot was to have Oikawa flirt with Iwa-chan right from the start but stupid me forgot all about it. Yes, the author forgot the bloody plot.


End file.
